holy shit!! it's been forever since i've been on this damn thing! i dont even know if anybody still posts.
i just felt like writing and i dont use myspace and facebook is useless for journal entries sooooooooo here i am.  generally i'm not big on writing my life down. i used to be but then i guess i've changed a bit. so anyways, my life as of now. i still live at home, for the time being at least. i AM going to move in with matt in september no matter how ruinous it will be for my relationship with my parents. i guess i've just come to a point in my life where i need to make some monumental decisions on how i want to live the rest of my life. under someone else's thumb or as my own person. my mother says she understands my desire to move out of the house and into an apartment, but she sure as hell doesnt want me to live with matt. she and my father are terrified that i will marry him. i still have no idea why on that front, considering im only twenty and am not planning on getting married until aleast i have a good job and secure in myself, career, and relationship with that person or i hit age 30.  i want children but definatly not before 30. in that case i do want to be like my mother. she has lived the most amazing life before she got married and had kids. she was a complete hell raiser when she was my age. and the fact that her life growing up was so different then mine is why i dont think she understands my stance.  she was also the youngest and had an easier time of it than her older sister or than i ever will. but i degress. she would like me to move in with one of my girlfriends but the thing is i dont really want to. there isn't anyone i trust more than matt. and poor matt. i must have put him through hell this past week. i renegaded on our plan to move in togeather for a while and i took me about a week and a half to make any movement toward a decision regarding the matter. he so closed off to everyone emotionally that i dont really know how it affected him but i have my suspcions. expesially after when he told me that he was going to go yell at my parents and probably end up arrested (or shot) if my decision had been different or delayed.  the reason i told him i wasnt going to go through with it in the first place was because of my mother. well duh. i had just gotten back from Gettysburg PA, the 145th national reenactment, when my mother jumped me. she completly went off on how big a dissapointment i was to her. how i couldnt save money and that i was going to end up like my aunt susan, married young kids young and divorced over money issues. she continued on about how she had been tricked into letting us take her car (which we had but it was not my intention for her to feel tricked. matt's car had broken down and i had no chocie but to ask. she could have said no...) and that when my father's car lease was up there was no way in hell that they were going to be able to get him a car  and so i would have to give my car back and would be completely screwed when it came to work and school. which brought her back to how i was a failure and could save any money to save my life. i have never felt more useless or worthless in my entire life. i wanted to just leave. leave everyone and everything behind and save everyone the trouble of dealing with me.... suicide crossed my mind for like thirty seconds before it was completely disregarded as a monumental moment of stupidity. for the entire time that my mother chose to treat me like and traitior, thats what i felt like. a traitior. that i shouldnt be allowed in my own home and that i should find something to do with myself that didnt involve other people.  i know when i tell my parents that i am moving out it will be complete and total hell for me for the next few months. in case it isnt clear, matt and i are still togeather after three and a half years. isn't that amazing. just after i felt so used by breck i found the most amazing man. the fact that we started in highschool is hilarious. he still hasnt told me he loves me in case anyone is wondering. and im still fine with that. it does annoy me that he's so reticent about emotions (i am way more free with them than i probably need to be) but anyways. i still go to eastern and am about two years away from my degree and then i am fucking out of michigan.... i recently went to minneapolis minnesota and fell in love with the city again... and if i could get a job in one of the districts just out side the city that would be amazing.... but illinois, minnesota, texas and newyork are high on the list of places where i'd like to go.  we'll see where i end up.  i am a teller at a bank now and i really like the job as far as it goes.  you know i really think i need a vaction...

lots of love

gracie